hapter 120
Xander POV
Helena is looking at me like she wants me to take back what I said and be honest.
“There’s no answer that I can give, because it didn’t happen. How can I say for sure I would throw my child away when it hasn’t happened? I can only answer based on how I feel right now, and I can say with certainty I wouldn’t throw my child away.”
She hums and nods. “I still don’t feel that you realise how lucky you are to have Serafine and Eryx.”
“Yes, I do, I lost her, I left her because I didn’t want to hurt her, because I realised how special she was.”
Her head tilts. “That isn’t the same thing, Xander, that’s not you realising how rare they are, how lucky you are to have them.”
My heart thunders in my chest. “I love her.”
“And I don’t doubt that, but part of you hasn’t accepted who she is, not truly. You fear it, how can you feel lucky to have them if you fear them as well?”
My head snaps up. “I don’t fear them!”
She laughs softly. “Don’t you? Maybe you haven’t realised, maybe it’s too deep for you to feel it, either way, you fear them, why?”
I look toward Serafine. I don’t fear her, do I? I watch her as she sleeps and try to make sense of it. Do I fear her? I don’t know, I’ve no idea at all anymore. Sighing, I rub the back of my neck.
“What is it that you fear, Xander?” Helena asks, and I sigh.
“I don’t know, I don’t have any idea,” I reply.
“I know, do you want me to tell you?”
Of course, she knows. I don’t answer, and she takes that as a yes.
“You fear letting her in, letting her all the way in, and opening everything up to her. You fear accepting her, because if this goes wrong and she dies, she destroys you.”
My eyes go to her.
“You thought I meant you fear her in a sense where you fear her magic killing you? No, Xander, you fear worse than that. You fear losing her, so you’re not pulling her in fully, which means she will never control the magic because it doesn’t have the balance it needs.”
Maybe she’s right? “I lost her once already,” I explain.
“Which you deserved to, but now you’re proving to her you deserve her, but you’re holding back still, it will still hurt as much if you lose her, Xander, only you will regret every decision you made that stops her getting close.”
Sighing, I look out the window. She’s right, I know that she is. I’ve been hiding, holding back, because everything and everyone wants to destroy her. How can I let her in fully if there’s a chance she will be gone the moment that I do?
Turning, I look back at Helena. “Thank you for taking care of her when she ran after I hurt her.”
Helena nods and smiles. “She’s a powerful woman, Xander, don’t let fear stop you, because it makes it harder for her magic to settle.”
She makes that sound so easy.
“I’ll try, but still, thank you, I’m glad that she wasn’t alone during that time. I wish I had come to find her sooner, but I thought she was better off with me
out of her life after how I treated her.”
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0912 Thu, 12 Jun
Chapter 120
Smiling, she nods. “You changed, from the stories she told me, to now, you’re not the same person.”
worthy of her after I hurt her.” I couldn’t stay the same man, he’s still there, if needed, but for her, I’m “No, because I forced myself to change, to be changing, I’m becoming what she needs and deserves. Not just a man who hurts and abuses her.
“So, Nyvarras Hollow, do you think that will actually help?” she asks.
“I hope so, I hope it at least gives her some sort of answer. She deserves to know what this is and what to expect. I don’t like her being blind to whatever it is, like her magic, how quickly that changed.”
She nods. “The magic was always there, I could sense it, having Eryx awakened it more. But it’s good, I don’t get the sense that there’s anything bad in
it.”
Now I relax, hearing that makes me feel better. For a change, I’m glad she can feel and sense things.
“You feared it was bad?” Helena asks.
“Everyone thinks the crops are down to her, and because of the magic, who she is. I’ve fought it, I’ve tried to find logical reasons, but when our crops are fine and everything else is dying, it’s hard not to think her magic is dark.”
Helena leans forward. “Did you ever consider that your crops are alive because of her and Eryx?”
“What?” I ask.
“Xander, what if her being at your pack is what is protecting your crops? What if she’s not killing everyone else’s, but protecting yours?”
Killian looks at her, then at me. “No one even considered that, it’s assumed she’s destroying everything but her own packs.”
I laugh softly. “Of course that’s it, it can’t be the simple answer, can it, that people will believe. What happens now, though, she’s not there, so will the crops die?” I ask.
“Only time will tell, but this trip doesn’t just give her the answers she needs, Xander, it proves to everyone that she and Eryx aren’t the ones killing crops. What is, I don’t know, but I do know it’s not her.”
It’s not her, I feel the weight lift, every bit of it finally releases me, and I sigh loudly. No one has a reason to want her dead, not now. Not when she’s the one who can save the crops, they have a choice: accept her and accept her help, or want her dead, and the crops die with her.
For the first time in days, I feel hopeful, I feel like this could all get better, be better. Part of me hopes my crops die, to prove to everyone she’s not the one causing them to die, but she’s the reason they lived and thrived.
